I awoke early this morning ... It's Valentine's Day. A day to share and receive much love. I certainly felt the love today, and as I sat with the Lord in the wee hours of this morning, I asked, "When Lord? When will your timing come for me to step into this calling you've placed inside of my heart?"
REFLECTION - It was as if the Lord took me by the hand and said, "Come. Walk with me so that I can show you how far you've already come." I closed my eyes, and we were reflecting on the year 2006. So much loss had occurred and continued through 2008. The Lord had me reflect on how I was so selfish, and treated Him like some kind of genie in a bottle. I prayed for the pain to end, for my health to be restored, for my mother to be healed, and for my family to be restored.
It was as if my words fell upon deaf ears, and the only prayer I could see that He did answer was that my health had been restored. Then He said, "Look deeper now, child." My eyes still closed, I drew a deep breath and went back in time for a moment. I recall every nail that went into a make-shift coffin as I sat in silence for seven years and watched a thirty-three year marriage die before my eyes. I recall the feeling of Anticipatory Grief - The kind of grief we experience as we bear witness to someone we love battling a terminal illness. We beg, pray, and plead for God to do something to make the pain stop.
We continue to bear the emotional turmoil of bargaining, as our prayers go up in the form of "God, if only you will ______ then I will _______." (And we fill in the blanks) We seek out some sort of professional in hopes that they will somehow fix things according to our will. They gave sound and good advice, but when one person is rowing the boat, you realize you are merely going in circles. So you put down your oar, and you simply float in order to survive. You've stopped denying, you have no desire to bargain anymore, and then a wave of sadness takes you by the hand and leads to deeper into depression.
It is suffocating, dark and lonely in that deep state of depression. It feels like a Wasteland, where there are no form of life anymore. Nothing looks familiar anymore, and the comfort zones are shifting massively. You reach for something, anything to make the pain stop, and when it does stop, it is only a temporary fix. You may reach out for some good old fashion comfort foods, a glass of wine, a cigarette, a good movie, or maybe you realize that you have been playing video games for hours. You have exhausted yourself yet again, and with all the distractions, reality is still there staring you in the face.
The next wave that comes at you is anger. You're just angry at everyone and everything around you as you have come to the realization that you are powerless, and literally have lost all control over your life. Fear is driving that anger as you grasp to hold onto some sort of hope, faith, and you find yourself settling for the breadcrumbs that have been thrown your way to keep you barely hanging in there. You feel sick, you can't sleep, and the anxiety of what the future may hold is terrifying. The past is not really any better as you recall the labels, short-comings, failures, and regrets. Guilt and shame begin to show up as you realize how things could have been different, better or more of something hoped for, that never manifested.
SHIFT HAPPENS: I recall the day that I collapsed underneath all the grief that I was no longer able to carry. I recall the victim inside of me asking God, "Why are you taking everything away from me?" I had finally come to the end of myself in that moment of time. After a short pause, I heard the Lord whisper, "Because I need you to relate." My thoughts went into a state of confusion for a brief moment. Tears streaming down my face, I cried out, "Relate? Relate to what?" The test was now in full effect and the teacher became silent.
Little by little, and piece by piece, the puzzle was beginning to take shape. I was ready to say my goodbye's to all the pain and suffering as the Lord had walked through that wasteland with me the whole way. The test I spoke of is known as the Job Test. It is a brutal test of faith, losing everything you once held dear, including your home and belongings, your finances, your health, and those you love. You have a choice during this test time. You can curse God and die spiritually, or you continue to cling to Him for dear life. I chose to cling to Him. You see, He never left my side, and with much love, He simply revealed to my spirit that it was I who had drifted from Him. He waited so patiently for me to tread the murky waters I had ventured into and swim back. I had gone too far to make it on my own. He simply offered His Hand, and I made the choice to grab onto it with everything I had left.
He allowed me come to the end of myself, and I barely recognized the image of the woman that I saw staring back at me. A shell, that had no life in her eyes, no plan of action, no direction in life, and hope had become a beggar. Slowly, the courage came, and I began to dream of a better life. I saw visions of a rebirth of a tormented soul. Hope began to come back into the arena and I held on for dear life. I sat with all that fear and anxiety about an unknown future, I embraced every loss that led me towards change. My heart was finally exposed of everything that was deceiving me, and the anger and rage within left as I began to experience the freedom of forgiveness. Not just for myself, but for others. The victim inside of my mind was silenced as a new, confident image was beginning to emerge. No, not the one that was full of herself, and prideful, but a new gentle, warm and caring version who was learning to trust a father image for the first time. My parents were divorced by the time I was a year old and I never really knew my biological father. The step-father was a raging alcoholic and abusive. So I looked at a father image as someone who was abusive and abandoning.
I had seen God, The Father, in the same way for most of my life. I lived as though He was always angry, disappointed, and was pointing His finger at me. My darkest days from 2006 and beyond has been quite a journey and a beautiful discovery. My heart was sick, grieved, and dying from holding on to all the pain from the past. God restored my heart as He exposed with so much love, all the things I had allowed inside of it, that did not serve Him, nor myself. So He cleaned it all out and waited so patiently as it healed. He helped me renew my mind, and I discovered that things that used to trigger past hurts and trauma, no longer affected me. I no longer lived in reaction mode, and became relatable.
This morning has been beautiful to simply sit, talk with God and reflect. I now see that I was too broken, too hurt, and too beaten down to serve Him. He showed me how far I had come, and He even brought me a new husband whom I hold the utmost respect, love and cherish more than any man I have ever known. We have a beautiful home that is filled with love, and we worship God together. We have helped each other heal, encouraged one another, and to us, everyday is Valentine's Day.
So as you go along this thing called life, and you may ask God, "Where are you in this moment?" Take a pause, close your eyes, quiet your mind, and be still. God has restored everything just like He promises, but it will be His timing. We will endure many tests in this life, but they come to teach us, change us, and shift us in a new direction. This life is so temporary, and we are merely passing through as we draw near to eternity. Time will eventually step into eternity and I want to travel that narrow road in order to enter some day.
The healing was worth every ounce of the pain from the past. It feels good to be freed from that pain.
I was trying to serve two masters - The secular world, that only led me to darkness. I used to only talk to God when I needed a favor. He changed everything when my world came crashing down around me -
THE TAKEAWAY: The Harvest is huge, the laborers are few. This world is so lost, hurting, and in so much deep grief. God is calling forth the Healers. Maybe you're one of them, like me, who didn't understand how the spirit of heaviness came upon you. How do you get set free from the grips of fear in order to be free? It is a journey worth taking, trust Him.
I hope this stirred something deep within you today. If not, then maybe it's not your time yet. If so, and if you feel called to be healed in order to become a healer, please reach out so we can discover all that is holding you back from your Promise Land. It's closer than you realize!
Bye for now,
Kim
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